People will kill you over time, and how they’ll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases, like ‘Be realistic.’— Dylan Moran (via purplebuddhaproject)
Leonardo DiCaprio: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: "Would you like to hold h-"
Leonardo DiCaprio: "Say it like we rehearsed it."
Doctor: *sighs* "And the Oscar goes to..."
Jeremy showing little compassion for James May’s cat.
Mum: I was trying to download Match The Dots on my phone.
Me: For a second, I thought you were going to say match dot com.
Mum: Hah, well, why not? I could find myself a man. A nice sugar daddy.
Me: Well... your last one had diabetes... does that count?